Loop Hole
by J. B. Tilton
Summary: Those pesky, annoying bureaucracy demons are back. This time, the Charmed Ones get audited by the Infernal Revenue Service.


CHARMED  
"LOOP HOLE"  
by J. B. Tilton  
  
Rating: PG (for mild language)  
  
Disclaimer: "Charmed" and all related characters and events are  
the property of the WB television network, except for those  
characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan  
fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.  
  
* * *  
  
Those pesky, annoying bureaucracy demons are back. This  
time, the Charmed Ones get audited by the Infernal Revenue  
Service.  
  
* * *  
  
The Charmed Ones sat in the office of an auditor for the I.R.S.   
None of them knew why they were there. All they knew was that  
they had received a letter in the mail saying there was a problem  
with their tax return and they had to come in to discuss it.  
  
Leo sat next to Piper and Cole sat next to Phoebe. Although  
only the sisters had been mentioned in the letter, the two men had  
come along to help in any way they could. None of them could  
understand why the auditors office was on the fourth sub-level of  
the I.R.S. building.  
  
"I don't understand," said Piper. "The accountant said that the  
return was totally in order. Every deduction was legitimate and  
none of them could be questioned. I don't understand why we've  
been called in."  
  
"Relax," said Leo. "It's probably just a routine random audit.   
They do that sometimes. A return is picked at random and it's  
audited. There's nothing to worry about. The auditor will be here  
soon and then this will be over."  
  
"I hope so," said Paige. "I need to get back to work and I have a  
date tonight."  
  
"Don't worry," said Cole. "These things always sound much  
worse than they actually are."  
  
"That from a man who, up until a month ago, was a demon,"  
said Phoebe.  
  
Just then the door to the office opened and the auditor walked  
in. It was clear even at a glance that this man was no normal  
auditor. The horns sprouting from his forehead and tail from his  
backside showed that he was not human. And the reddish tint to  
his skin and cat like eyes testified that he was, in fact, a demon.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," said the demon, taking a seat behind the desk.  
  
"Leo," said Piper nervously, snuggling closer to him.  
  
"It's okay," said Leo. "You don't have to worry about danger  
from him. Remember the cable guy?"  
  
"ANOTHER bureaucracy demon?" said Phoebe, standing up.   
"How man of these guys are there?"  
  
"More than you could imagine," said Cole. "Now, honey, sit  
down. This isn't going to help any."  
  
Phoebe sat down and shot Cole an angry glare.  
  
"Well," said the man, "my name is Cernunnos Hobb. I will be  
your other world auditor today. Let me say at the onset that your  
regular return appears to be completely in order. So you have  
nothing to worry about on that end. However, it's your other world  
return where we have a problem."  
  
"Other world return?" asked Piper. "What other world return?"  
  
"Precisely my point," said Hobb, looking in a folder on his desk.   
"We have no other world returns from you. Let's see. You became  
the Charmed Ones approximately three and one half years ago. At  
that time you were morally obligated to begin filing a yearly return.   
You have neglected to do so. Very naughty of you."  
  
"I've never heard of an other worldly return," said Piper. "No  
one's ever mentioned such a thing before."  
  
"I'm afraid that gnorance of the law is not a mitigating factor,"  
said Hobb. "Now, we've had numerous confirmed reports of  
flagrant violations of the other world civil code. I must tell you up  
front that the penalties for the types of infractions we are talking  
about can be quite . . . stiff."  
  
"Penalties?" asked Paige. "What types of penalties?"  
  
"I'm afraid I can't answer that," said Hobb. "That's not my  
responsibility. That is the responsibility of the Trials and Terrors  
Department. My responsibility is to identify and verify all  
expenditures and income, as well as any infractions and their  
severity, as well as to identify any mitigating circumstances, if any.  
  
"Now, Mrs. Wyatt. As the senior member of the Halliwell  
household, the responsibility to file the other world return falls to  
you. They are supposed to be filed yearly, beginning with the first  
year you acquired your powers. We don't seem to have any  
returns from the Halliwell manor for any previous years."  
  
"I wasn't always the oldest," said Piper. "We used to have an  
older sister. She died a few months ago."  
  
"We are aware of that," said Hobb. "Which is the reason why  
you are responsible only for this years' return. The previous  
returns would have been the responsibility of your older sister."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Leo. "I live in the Halliwell house as well.   
And I'm older than Piper. Shouldn't the returns have been my  
responsibility?"  
  
"Or mine," said Cole. "I'm even older than Leo and I live there,  
too. Why is Piper being singled out?"  
  
"Because," said Hobb, obviously controlling his temper,  
"according to our records, it's the Halliwell manor. Therefore, the  
eldest Halliwell is responsible for the returns. Unless you can show  
that the manor is legally owned by someone else or there are  
mitigating circumstances to offset the claim."  
  
"No," said Piper, disappointedly, "The manor belonged to  
grams. We inherited it from her when she died. I guess there are  
no mitigating circumstances."  
  
"Fine," said Hobb. "Now, as to the infractions. As I said, we  
have numerous confirmed reports of some very serious infractions.   
Spell casting without a license, potion creation without an  
alchemists license, illegal vanquishings, unauthorized  
trans-dimensional transportation of spirits from the spirit world, and  
protection of the innocent without an authorized body guard  
certificate; the list goes on and on."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Phoebe, "we have to have a license to  
create a potion? Or cast a spell? And we have to have permission  
to summon a spirit? That ridiculous."  
  
"It certainly is not," said Hobb. "We can't have just anyone  
doing these things. Do you realize how bad it would be if  
individuals without the proper training went around creating potions  
or casting spells? There would be total chaos. We have to make  
sure that those who are doing so are properly trained and skilled in  
the arts."  
  
"But we got our powers from the Elders," said Piper.  
  
"And they should have informed you of filling out the necessary  
paperwork to conform with the other world laws," said Hobb.   
"Including filing a yearly return. Now, you haven't claimed any  
income from the use of these illegal activities."  
  
"Income?" asked Paige. "What income?"  
  
"Income is defined," said Hobb, "as any form of profit, whether  
real or personal, of a tangible or intangible nature, which  
substantially benefits the recipient of that income. It's all clearly  
defined in book thirty seven, paragraph forty three, section nine,  
sub-section twenty two of the Other World Civil Code."  
  
"This is crazy," said Piper. "What type of profit could we  
possibly gain from casting a vanquishing spell?"  
  
"I assume the vanquishing spell was used to vanquish a  
demon," said Hobb.  
  
"Of course," said Phoebe. "What else would we use it for."  
  
"In which case," said Hobb, "the profit would be the protecting of  
your lives. Which means that by vanquishing a demon who was  
trying to kill you, you profited by staying alive. A very substantial,  
tangible, personal profit indeed. According to the civil code."  
  
"I don't believe this," said Paige. "What about all the innocents  
we've helped? Are you telling us that we can't cast a spell to  
protect the innocent, even if we don't profit it from it ourselves?,  
without incurring some kind of penalty?"  
  
"Charitable contributions are allowed," said Hobb. "In fact, we  
do take those into consideration when calculating the cost of the  
primary account and any interest accrued  
for failure to file. It will help offset the total owed to the I.R.S."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Cole. "Isn't there something about having  
three years to file a back return?"  
  
"Certainly," said Hobb. "Which is why I've asked you here  
today. We're simply trying to work out an equitable repayment  
schedule so that you aren't hit with even stiffer fines and penalties.   
We aren't the heartless bastards we are portrayed as, I can assure  
you.  
  
"Now, I've taken the liberty of adding all of your income and  
expenditures up and I think I've come up with a reasonable  
repayment schedule. First, each of you will be forbidden use of  
your powers for a period of one month, alternating between each of  
you, until the principle amount is paid. That shouldn't take more  
than twelve or fifteen years. And I've even been able to arrange it  
so that the other two won't be affected while the third is without her  
powers. That took some doing, I can assure you."  
  
"No powers for fifteen years?" asked Phoebe. "That's  
ridiculous."  
  
"Actually," said Hobb, "it's quite reasonable. You'll only be  
without your powers for a total of four months a year. Not too bad,  
considering the staggering sum you own.  
  
"As for the interest, that's a bit more serious. I'm afraid the rules  
governing repayment of the interest are very clear. In your case, I  
imagine the penalties will include forfeiture of the Book of Shadows  
for a period of seven years, no summoning of spirits for a period of  
three years, and production of only the most basic potions and  
spells for a period of five years. Of course, the use of a Power of  
Three spell will be severely curtailed. As I said, the actual penalties  
will be determined by the Trials and Terrors Department. But  
normally those are the penalties."  
  
"Great," said Piper. "Everything we have to contend with, and  
now I have to worry about filing some stupid other world return."  
  
"It's not stupid, I can assure you," said Hobb. "How do you think  
we can keep magic going for all these thousands of years. There's  
not an endless supply of it, you know."  
  
"And the repayment schedule is most generous, I can assure  
you. You don't have to accept the repayment schedule, of course.   
But the alternative would be, shall we say, more than a little  
unpleasant."  
  
"Cole," said Phoebe, "why didn't you mention any of this earlier?   
You were a demon. Surely you knew about this other world return  
nonsense."  
  
"It slipped my mind," said Cole. "As a demon, I was exempt  
from filing a return. My home of record was in the underworld. I  
was considered a visiting dignitary to Earth, so I was exempt from  
filing any returns as long as I lived here."  
  
"Mr. Turner is correct," said Hobb. "A little perk offered to those  
who perform necessary functions for their employers while on  
Earth. And since his demonic form has been vanquished, he's no  
longer considered a citizen of the underworld, and, hence, is not  
subject to filing such a return."  
  
"What about you, honey?" asked Piper, in her  
I'm-really-really-pissed-now voice. "Why didn't you mention it  
before?"  
  
"The same reason Cole didn't," said Leo. "I'm from up there.   
As long as I'm on Earth, I'm exempt from filing a return. After sixty  
years of being a White Lighter, I just completely forgot about the  
other world returns."  
  
"White Lighter?" questioned Hobb. "You're a White Lighter?"  
  
"Yes," said Leo. "The Charmed Ones are my primary charges."  
  
"I see," said Hobb. "And if I recall, you mentioned you live in the  
Halliwell manor."  
  
"Yes," said Leo. "I moved in when Piper and I got married."  
  
"You're married to her?" asked Hobb. "This is most irregular.   
None of that is in our files. Since we got the new automated  
systems, so much information is lacking. There's no mention of  
your being a White Lighter. Or that Mrs. Wyatts' husband was a  
White Lighter.  
  
"Oh dear. This is most embarrassing. I'm afraid I'll have to  
speak to my supervisor about this. I can't remember the last time  
we had a situation arise like this one. I'm afraid I'll need to get  
some clarification. I'll be right back."  
  
With that, Hobb picked up the file on his desk and left the room.  
  
"What was that all about?" asked Paige.  
  
"I don't know," said Cole. "It takes a lot to rattle these guys. Do  
you know how many returns they audit each year? They've heard  
every excuse in the book. And a few that aren't in the book."  
  
"We'll just have to wait until he comes back," said Leo.  
  
Several minutes later, Mr. Hobb returned with another demon.   
This one looked remarkably similar to Hobb and introduced himself  
as Rapacious Q. Avarice. He was carrying the file Hobb had left  
with.  
  
"Mr. Hobb informs me that you are a White Lighter, Mr. Wyatt,"  
said Mr. Avarice.  
  
"Yes," said Leo. "For over sixty years now."  
  
"And that you have a permanent residence in the Halliwell  
manor on Earth?" questioned Mr. Avarice.  
  
"Yes," said Leo. "Ever since Piper and I were married."  
  
"I see," said Mr. Avarice. "I assume you have credentials to  
back up your claim of being a White Lighter.."  
  
"Not on me," said Leo. "I don't normally need identification. But  
I'm listed with the White Lighters' Guild. And I'm a member in good  
standing. Also, my official assignment of being assigned to the  
Charmed Ones is on file with the White Lighters' Diplomatic Office."  
  
"What about a marriage certificate?" asked Mr. Avarice. "Can  
you prove that you and she are married?"  
  
"Marriage certificate?" asked Piper. "Grams officiated at our  
wedding. It wasn't an earthly wedding."  
  
"Grams," said Mr. Avarice. "Your grandmother?"  
  
"Yes," said Piper. "We inherited our powers from her when she  
died."  
  
"I see," said Mr. Avarice. "Which means she's probably a high  
priestess or something of that nature."  
  
"In fact," said Phoebe, "she is."  
  
"Well," said Mr. Avarice, "this is most embarrassing. You see,  
as a White Lighter, Mr. Wyatt, you're designated a visiting dignitary  
to Earth and exempt from the Other World Civil Code."  
  
"I know that," said Leo. "I explained that to Mr. Hobb."  
  
"Well," said Mr. Avarice, "what you may not know is that your  
primary residence on Earth is considered a sort of White Lighter  
embassy. It would also be exempt from filing a return. As would  
any immediate family, such as a wife or children. They don't  
always make that clear when they give White Lighters' their  
assignments."  
  
"Which means I'm not responsible for filing this stupid other  
world return?" asked Piper.  
  
"No, ma'am, you're not," said Mr. Avarice. "As the wife of a  
White Lighter, you would be covered by your husbands' diplomatic  
immunity clause in the Other World Trade Agreement. The  
responsibility of filing the return would then fall to the next eldest in  
the household. One Phoebe Halliwell, if I'm not mistaken."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Phoebe. "I don't even have a job. How  
can I be required to file a return?"  
  
"It's the civil code," said Mr. Avarice. "Under the code, your job  
is listed as witch with a special designation as Charmed One. A  
very impressive title, I can assure you."  
  
"You guys sure do a lot of assuring around here," said Piper.  
  
"Isn't there anything we can do about it?" asked Cole.  
  
"Well," said Mr. Avarice, "if she were an employee of the  
embassy, technically she'd be covered by the Interdimensional  
Diplomats Immunity Provisions of the treaty."  
  
"Phoebe does most of the spells we use," said Piper. "Without  
her, we wouldn't have most of our Power of Three spells."  
  
"I suppose," said Hobb, "she could be listed as a research  
assistant."  
  
"Reasonable," said Mr. Avarice. "Which means the returns  
would automatically revert to the third sister, Paige Matthews.   
What does she do at the manor?"  
  
"She wrote a spell once," said Phoebe. "When I couldn't.   
Doesn't that make her a research assistant, too?"  
  
"I'm afraid not," said Mr. Avarice. "Only one research assistant  
is authorized for each embassy. And writing a single spell does not  
constitute performing the duties of a research assistant, I assure . .  
. I'm afraid."  
  
"This is just great," said Paige. "Three months ago I was just a  
social worker. Now, I'm a witch, half White Lighter, and responsible  
for these ridiculous other world returns."  
  
"You're half White Lighter?" asked Mr. Avarice looking over the  
file in his hand. "I must have a talk with the records department.   
This file is so incomplete. If you can substantiate your claim . . .."  
  
Paige simply orbed out, then orbed back into place.  
  
"How's that?" she asked. "Substantial enough for you?"  
  
"That would indicate she has White Lighter abilities," said Hobb,  
hopefully to Mr. Avarice.  
  
"Yes, it would," said Mr. Avarice. "Very well. You'll need to file  
the necessary paperwork to clear up this little matter. Mr. Wyatt will  
have to file his credentials with the records department. We'll need  
sworn affidavits from each of you regarding your roles in the  
embassy. Ms. Matthews will have to be certified as a legitimate  
half White Lighter. There are also some dispositional forms, and  
we'll need a sworn affidavit from one disinterested living mortal  
attesting to all of this. We'll also need a sworn affidavit from your  
grandmother attesting to the fact that she officiated at your  
wedding. Do you think you can get all that?"  
  
"Darryl can file the affidavit," said Piper. "I'm sure he'll be glad  
to."  
  
"You'll also need to file a return exemption form with the main  
office," said Avarice. "So that it will appear on our records that you  
are exempt from filing a return and this shouldn't happen again.   
Mr. Hobb can help you with that, I'm sure."  
  
"I'd be happy to," said Hobb.  
  
"That should do it, then," said Mr. Avarice. "Mr. Hobb, would  
you see that all the necessary paperwork is completed? And when  
you're done, please see that the records are updated with all the  
relevant current information so this doesn't happen again."  
  
"Right away, sir," said Hobb.  
  
"Mrs. Wyatt," said Mr. Avarice, "please accept my sincerest  
apologies for any inconvenience this may have put you through. I  
can assure you, things like this don't happen often."  
  
"Apology accepted," said Piper. "I just hope we don't meet  
again."  
  
"I'm sure we won't," said Mr. Avarice. "Now, if you'll excuse me,  
I have some other matters to attend to."  
  
He left the office while Hobb pulled out a legal pad from his  
desk.  
  
"Okay," he said, "let's get started."  
  
The End  
  
If you've enjoyed this story, you can find more of my stories for a  
variety of shows and subjects at  
http://pub57.ezboard.com/bjerrysfanfictionsite. You can also post  
your stories if you like to write fan fiction. 


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